Hasselhoff points

 I like math, there's a certainty about numbers that you don't get from politicians, lovers and real estate agents. What's 8 times 8? 64. Always. Not 64 before an election but 65 afterwords. Not 64 but you don't call me enough and the love is gone. Not 64 but it could be 63 if you put down a 15 % cash deposit. You can count on math. So I asked my doctor about the mathematical chance of me making it through this thing and he told me all about the Hasenclever index. In the Hasenclever system, you get points for bad things about your lymphoma, and every point reduces your chance of survival by 7 %. The aim of the game is to score as low as possible. So let's add them up.

I get 1 point for being a man, because Hasenclever was a man-hating German. None of my tumours is greater than 10 cm in diameter, so no points there. All the cancer is above the diaphragm, so sorry Hasenclever, nil for you. Thick blood? Nope, 0 points. Lots of white blood cells? Damn, you got me there Hasenclever, my blood cell counts are bustin'. Point to you. Cancer in my bones? No. Older than 45 years? Not a chance. That's two Hasselhoff points for me out of a possible 7. So that means there is an 85 % chance I'll be alive in 5 years. I'd prefer it to be a little higher, but I appreciate the honest answer math. You will always be 100 % alright with me.