Chemotherapy Round 7: WTF?

So last week I went in for round 7 of chemo. I figure I'm a pro at this by now. I say "hi" to the nurses, help myself to the complimentary tea and biscuits, and take my favorite chemo recliner by the window. "Bring on the poison sacs" I say, "I've got a 3:00 meeting that I need to make and time, she is a wastin'." Friends, let me tell you, that kind of attitude earns you a fistful of comeuppance in cancer land.

About 30 seconds after leaving the ward I started shivering like an epileptic at a Baptist sermon. I figure this means I probably just need more tea, but I can't hold the cup and saucer still and soon caffeinated beverage is flying everywhere. The nurses make me lie down and within 20 minutes my temperature shoots up to 41 C and my heart rate to 120 bpm. At this point I realize that I'm not feeling so good. The doctors come in, have a look and then have a hushed conversation in the hallway. I don't like it when they talk about me behind my back like this as it hurts my feelings. The decision is made to hospitalize me and inject me with everything they have. I think they they just ransacked the medicine storeroom and took one of whatever was there. I had steroids, antibiotics, antihistamines and then more antibiotics. They kept waking me up every two hours to take my temperature, blood pressure and stick things in me. After a pretty miserable night the doctor comes in and tells me they don't really know what happened, but I seem alright now so I can go home.

I've learned two things from this. First, chemo should not be underestimated or it will get angry. Second, once you get Night Fever by the Bee Gees into your head it will take you FOREVER to get it out.

The power of positive thinking

In my corner of the world spring is just about here. Flowers are blooming, the grass is green, the days are longer. So maybe it's time to think positive. I mean cancer can't be all bad, right? Cup half full and clouds with silver lining and whatnot. In honor of spring and optimistic thinking, I'm making a list of all the benefits of having cancer.

1. Save money on haircuts. Since starting chemo I've been losing increasing amounts of hair. I used to go to a nice London salon where surly girls with asymmetric hair styles give you a latte with your haircut. Last month I went to the old guy who cuts your hair for a tenner. One style fits all. I figure I've saved like £80 since getting Hodgkin's! Hair is overrated anyways.
2. No shaving hassles. For some reason my beard is growing at about 1/3 the normal rate lately so I don't have to shave nearly as much as I used to. It's probably the same thing with lady hair I would guess. Shaving is one of life's little annoyances that you get to avoid with cancer.
3. You get lots of nice presents. Since getting cancer people have given me lots of nice things. I've got a new blanket, a tea towel with the periodic table on it, and a nice bowl handmade by French monks. What a great haul! Top tip: Try to plan your cancer away from your birthday or Christmas, otherwise people will tend to "double up" and combine gifts. 
4. Guilt free slacking. Feeling nauseous is a bad thing, but surely this is outweighed by the fact that you can laze around without feeling like you should be doing something productive? I mean, getting rest is what the doctor told you to do, right? For instance while you're all working tomorrow, I'll be sitting on my couch catching up on episodes of the cultural car wreck that is my big fat gypsy wedding. Jealous much?
5. The ultimate excuse. Having cancer gives you the ultimate, airtight, invincible excuse. It's like dropping an atomic bomb all over an argument. Big work deadline coming up? Social occasion you really don't want to go to? Fuck it. Tell them you have cancer. Who can argue with that? Note that you shouldn't abuse this awesome power. For instance "how about you do the dishes tonight? I have cancer" might get the dishes done but it's not going to win you a lot of friends. 

Chemotherapy Round 6: Long live the drugs!!!!!

 This blog post is brought to you by my friends, the drugs. Drugs are pretty great at making you feel better. Thank you Dexamethasone for your four daily tablets of love. Massive props go out to Omprezole, for taking care of the heartburn. Nuff respect also to Domperidone, or as I like to call it, "the champagne of anti-emetics". But the biggest shout out goes to Ondansetron, an anti sickness tablet that touches you right on your vagus and makes your medulla oblongata forget to tell you that you really need to projectile vomit. 

How do pharmaceutical companies come up with these names you ask? From science? And why does my anti nausea pill sound like an eyeliner wearing, ennui-filled electro band from Shoreditch? These are good questions I spent much time contemplating while lying on the couch this week. As far as I can tell, this is how it must have gone down at the drug company:

Scientist: "We've discovered a powerful new anti sickness drug that will greatly improve the lives of lymphoma patients undergoing chemotherapy."

Marketing: "Great. We will make lots of money now. What is it called?"

Scientist: "(RS)-9-methyl-3-[(2-methyl-1H-imidazol-1-yl)methyl]-2,3-dihydro-1H-carbazol-4(9H)-one"

Marketing: "Needs a catchier name. What is the target market for cancer these days?"

Scientist: "Hodgkin's lymphoma often strikes young adults, between the ages of 18-35."

Marketing: "Perfect. The kids these days are into dance music. We'll called it Ondance."

Scientist: "I think dance is spelled with an 's'. Also, if you add tron to the end we can tap into that 80's retro movie vibe."

Marketing: "Killer."